Sari Caste Page 7

  I decided the best thing to do was to find work for Kalidas. Though how, with so many people clamouring for even the meanest position, could there be something for one more? But the thought never left me. I must grasp any opportunity that I might find.

  That thought was still uppermost in my mind that evening when the pretty dark skinned prostitute, whose bitter tongue I always avoided, screeched out orders for me to rush to what I now knew as the parlour. There I found Pramath spread out calmly and comfortably on low cushions drinking some kind of spirits. I have a very keen nose for alcohol. Father's drinking had sensitised me to it and I felt an uncomfortable foreboding for there seemed not to be the emergency I had expected. He was calm.

  "Sit down, Manasa." He smiled and filled the empty glass facing me as I squatted at the other side of the table. "Drink. It will relax you. You must drink it straight down, like this." He emptied his glass in one quick gulp. Defiantly, I stared at him instead. He held the glass up to my lips. Softly, he said, "It's a small glass. Drink. It will make you feel happy." He grinned. "Mona says you work hard. I'm pleased. Drink with me!" It was an order but his warm smile melted me a little.

  This could not be an invitation to drink myself into a stupor. He was praising me! I sipped it first and the fumes and vapours caught in my throat. How could this make anyone relax? Pramath's confident smile remained. Then he tossed back the rest of his drink as a signal to do the same now and quickly. I imitated him. And was indignantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the chilli-hot liquid as it flashed down my throat.

  "Yes." He approved "One more." He refilled both glasses.

  We repeated the trick of throwing the whiskey to the back of our throats. The tension drifted away from me; so this was how it worked! Again he filled my glass which I drained obediently. What a strange enchanted place the room had become. My head floated somewhere above my body as I drifted into a filmy haze.

  Pramath got up and took my hand. I noted the familiarity but without concern. It took all my concentration to keep afloat my wayward body. He led me out and along the passage guiding me by the hand and the gentle steering of his arm loosely draped about my shoulders.

  We drifted into a dimly lit, sparsely furnished room. He closed the door and took off his sandals indicating for me to follow. I shook my sandals away from me. "Come sit with me." He said from behind me. Then as I turned around my sari softly fell away from me. I let if fall. I was in a kind of cotton wool dream that I had not the power to resist. I wanted so much to sleep.

  My eyelids were heavy but I managed to look up at him with an unsteady smile. He removed the rest of my clothing gently, slowly. I seem neither to care nor had the power to wonder why that was. Somehow he was naked too but I didn't see it happen. We moved over to the divan. All I can now remember was his urgent thrusting deep inside me, filling me, surrounding me. His energy lifted me completely out of myself into a kind of frenzied dream that I was powerless to control. I ached for him to let me sink away into sleep. Finally he rolled away. With my head reeling I thankfully melted into a stupor.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  "Wake up!"

  "This is not your room! What are you doing in here?" It was the dark-skinned prostitute repeating the words over and over. I thought at first it was part of the crazy goings-on in my brain but then she began to shake me.

  "Leave me alone." I whined as I turned my back to her. My head pounded. I felt worse than I had when I surfaced from my treatment at the clinic and just as confused.

  "Feed your little brat. I've got work to do. You should be working properly like the rest of us."

  Lipika. Yes I had to get up. I dragged myself from the divan with my thoughts and feelings a tangled mesh. She glared at me and I mistook the defence of her territory for an expression of disgust. What had I done? I felt shame, then anger rise in my throat. Then, realising it had nothing to do with her I asked meekly, "Show me how to get back to Supriya and Lavali. I have forgotten the way."

  She sneered at my stupidity and pushed me through the doorway. "Find them yourself."

  Though still in a daze when I fed Lipika I knew now that what had happened was no dream. The intimacy with Pramath had been real. Why? Was I insane? It was not as if I was as naive as I had, at first, been. Everything that happened here was for a reason. Pramath was my employer. He had money, food, and he was married to Mona. The thought pierced me like a knife. Mona's husband! What could be more horrible than to have lain with her husband? With such a wife it was not difficult to see how a moment of weakness might happen. Now he would send me away. Worse, he might expect me to continue to have sex with him to keep my job. If she ever found out, I would be disgraced and made to leave anyway. I felt more desperate than ever before. Father and Patap had all but destroyed me and I had been afraid but I must never allow anyone else to have that sort of power over me. I knew I must fight for Lipika and me to survive but it seemed that surviving and living were not equal experiences.

  Early the next evening Mona managed to corner me after I had made sure the children had settled to sleep. I busied myself to avoid meeting her eyes for fear that she would see the shame there.

  "This is for you to wear. Hurry, Pramath is waiting."

  I stared in utter amazement at her smiling face. What did this mean? Her smiles never really worked. They were unreal, eerie contortions but I now knew better than to question her. I took the folded crimson cloth from her. She sat down. Her attempted smile had slid from her face as though oiled. She looked impatient now. I wondered what would follow.

  I attempted to change into the garment Mona had given me. She made no effort to look away. It was a flimsy long kind of gown full of slits and holes. I was deeply embarrassed. Yet she showed no shame.

  "Mona, this must have got eaten by moths. Your husband would not want to see me in it. I shall wear this instead." I picked up my own sari again with an apologetic nod.

  "My husband?" Her derisive laugh cut through me. "Sometimes people might think that." For a moment she gloated absently, then bristling she slapped the strange garment back at me. "No. I told, you wear this!"

  I felt too humiliated and stupid to put on such revealing dress and hung my head.

  "You're not special. The others can look after the children too. You know well what's expected and it's time to get on with it." She got up, grabbed at the material flinging it over me here and there. I was far from covered. Mona treated me with the impatient contempt she reserved for the little ones. "Hurry. He shouldn't have to wait and neither should I." She seized my arm hurling me into the hall where she pushed past me mumbling something about Pramath being a fool to bother with a useless widow. I was soon back at the room where I had drunkenly played out that regrettable scene with Pramath. Mona had left me to go in by myself. I could smell the spirits before I saw him. My stomach lurched. Please not again.

  "Yes red was a good choice, wasn't it? I knew that the first time I saw you feeding Lipika." The familiarity of his reference to seeing me naked disturbed me. How dare he utter my child's name in that same tone or even the same breath? Pramath's smile so natural, so confident, left me feeling vulnerable and helpless. He handed me a large glass of something alcoholic, which I swallowed rapidly to stop my trembling.

  "I knew you would learn quick. Drink is not allowed when you are working. Only when you're with me." He refilled my glass nodded and pushed it to my lips for me to swallow fast again. I tossed it down even managing a swift nervous smile. For what might follow I gritted my teeth.

  Already he had begun caressing me. Every part of me was easily accessible to him. My body yielded of its own accord, but almost as soon as I melted to his touch, he stopped and drew back. "A fast friend of mine wants to meet you." He stepped in closely again. His hand slipped over my right breast so that he could squeeze my nipple in a way that he knew would soften me. I was amazed at how excited I felt and even disappointed when he moved away again. What wa
s he saying? "It will please me. Come."

  As before, the drink had done its work. My limbs were fluid and wayward. Somehow we floated to another room a few doors down. "This will be your room for work from now on." He grinned, pleased with his own sense of generosity. Swiftly he ushered me through to the gloomy interior. I turned back as the door closed abruptly behind me. Pramath had gone. I closed my eyes for a moment's relief with my forehead pressed against the door.

  A sharp intake of breath, close to my ear forced me round. Before me, in the gloom, stood a naked man. In a moment of shock I understood this was Pramath's friend. He was a scrawny man who smelt of desire and stale sweat. He grabbed my hands and held them forcibly round his swollen penis. I froze. I wanted to run or to vomit but I could not move. How could this have happened to me? He was quick to take advantage of my paralysis. His face broke into a grin like a silly, naughty child. He reached out, caught me round the waist, and pulled me to him. He pummelled my body through the tatters I wore with a rough force that startled me. I struggled. He hurt me and I began to panic. I had not agreed to this.

  "Ah, your breath is heavy." he leered locking my wrists in an unexpectedly strong grip. "So you've been drinking, but remember, I pay. I decide how it shall be, Manasa. You'll look forward to that, won't you? You will see who is master." He drooled like a salivating fox. His derisive laugh taunted me. I spat. I bit. I kicked but I was held fast and made little impression.

  "You must obey. Lie down," he snapped. The game had changed as though a wizard had spoken a strange chant and the veil had been wrenched away. Now it was clear. I had failed to keep myself apart from the other women after all. In return for his money I should fulfil his sexual demands. What choice was there, for me or for my Lipika? Lamely I decided it was better to submit to whatever he wanted. At least, that way, my time with him would soon be over. As he sweated and strained his way back and forth along my body I thought about how I had got to where I was. I was so shaken by the reality of what I had become; I remained silent and passive through that whole repulsive initiation.

  At last he finished. His damp body slid away but his sickly sweet scent lingered on me. He threw some money down on the divan, wiped his upper lip with his shirt-tail, and left struggling awkwardly into his clothes. I still felt his sweat, continued to hear his quick breath blowing hot and clammy in my dishevelled hair. He had enjoyed it. I had hated it. How could two people experience the same act so differently?

  I thought back to my parents. Their lives had been a totally different experience of the same events. Neither of them was happy and both were poor. It was bad enough to be miserable but I would not be poor as well. I yanked my fingers through my hair, plaiting it carelessly. Then I crumpled the money in my fist and stumbled out over Ch'en sitting on the other side of the door.

  "Mummy, look!" He held something sticky in his stubby fingers.

  "Ch'en, go and wash! Before Mona sees it." He had obviously cut himself. The blood had dried in a dark, crusty mess on his finger. I felt irritated beyond reason. Just when I most needed to be alone, to cleanse myself of my own mess! And Ch'en was another demanding male. At that moment he might almost have been Mona. She had never seemed like a woman to me. There was no gentleness or softness in her. I turned abruptly away. He was not even of my race. What did I care?

  Poor Ch'en, he called hopelessly after me as I began to walk away. "Mummy, look! Look, mummy!"

  The wound near my navel throbbed in angry reply. My head pounded to the beat of rain on the roof and shutters. It was all too much for me. I put my hands over my ears and ran.

  CHAPTER NINE

  That was, for me, a night of change. I held Lipika to my breast as if she was a bundle of straw. She gnawed at me as though receiving tainted milk. In my shame and misery I could not comfort her. Mona came to rasp her disapproval and demand quiet. Even Supriya scolded me for allowing her to fret and cry so loudly. All I could think of was that there was no other way for me to provide for us. I hated it. I hated my father. I hated Patap. How could he have given me such a wonderful daughter then left me all alone to endure this pain?

  Strangely it was Lavali who seemed to understand me. She came and sat beside me silently and took my hand. "Lipika is lucky to have you. When I was two my mother died. My father married again. They had eight more children. I was the unpaid servant nobody bothered even to talk to." She leaned into me resting her head on my shoulder and gently played with Lipika's small fingers. Her misery touched my own. Her big blobby tears began to drop into my lap as she continued. "My brothers were allowed to beat me whenever they got angry. I cried so often everyone thought nothing of it. I wish I'd had a mother or sister to care for me as you do for your little one. Often I speak in an angry way because I can't stop feeling so jealous."

  Impulsively I laid Lipika in her lap and put my arms round them both. "I'm glad now I gave birth to a daughter. Men are so stupid. They share their brains between their stomachs and their backsides! That man I was with tonight was so proud of his vile act with me. I wish I could have ripped off his precious little stump and beat him with it or presented it to Mona as thanks for my new employment."

  Lavali screwed up her nose in revulsion. Lipika burped. We fell helplessly against each other racked with laughter. It was, in some ways, fortunate to be so young. Lavali and Supriya became my special friends; allies against Mona's bullying which I feared less now that we could huddle together to laugh at her unsmiling importance. Supriya helped me sometimes in the kitchen. It had become too much for me to manage alone.

  From time to time, I wondered about Sharmila and her family. Had she managed to find a doctor for Hiren? I often thought of sneaking off during the day to see her but I was so afraid of Mona's disapproval that I didn't dare. Besides, what could I offer Sharmila or tell her about my work? She would be shocked. The threat of starvation would not force her to betray herself or Kalidas. Our friendship would be ruined. The time we had shared began to feel like something that had taken place in another lifetime. One did not have to physically die before a new karma began. Surely it was enough to die in spirit.

  As Lipika began teething she became restless. Her crying disturbed everyone. Mona ignored their complaints. It was as if she took pleasure in their distress but I was always afraid she might throw us out if she became sick of the squabbling. Finally, the older children began accompanying Lipika and I on our trips to the market. We went out as frequently as we could. Even when there was no money to spend. I was amazed at their wiles and my ignorance. They seemed to know everyone. They bargained for food and even knew where to bargain for black market alcohol.

  I really enjoyed getting out of the brothel. I was still a child myself, in some ways. Despite the humid smog that often hung about the city, the market was lively. Every stall was piled high with rows of vegetables, fruit, and nuts. Heaps of crimson, magenta, and saffron coloured spices smelled pungent and sweet. Glossy purple aubergines contrasted with coarse white heads of cauliflower; brilliant fat tomatoes with dainty green and red chillies. I loved to watch the woman scoop up rice and trickle it into a bag for us. I was careful to buy exactly what we could eat that day. Then there was no waste and less chance of mice or rats. Mona always appreciated saving.

  All the same, none of us ever went hungry. I thought again of poor Sharmila. A picture of her boys flashed vividly through my mind. I wondered about little Hiren's struggle to survive and felt Sharmila's desperation once more. The jewellery I had given her could not last long with doctors to pay. There remained always the every day drain of searching for something to eat. I looked around me. There must be something here for Kalidas to do for a living. Surely, they need never know about the brothel. I could say I was a servant. That was not completely untrue. This turmoil had remained unresolved since my first thoughts of finding work for him. I decided I must overcome my doubts for the sake of our friendship. How I missed Sharmila's gentleness that had so much reminded me of my dear mummy.

  In c
ontrast I found myself hating Mona. She lived on our earnings without enduring the same humiliations. Not only were my emotions in conflict but feeding Lipika had become a battleground. Men used my breasts and body for their pleasure regardless of my interest. In between being with them I had Lipika suckling at my breasts for food and comfort. Switching my bodily responses on and off was a huge struggle. My anguish buried itself in those long trips to the market but guilt and revulsion began to poison my relationship with Lipika. The only way I could cope with this was to wean her early.

  The evenings were the most hellish time for me. I spent the whole day apprehensive about which men I would have to submit to. It was hard to cope with forcing my body to obey me.

  There were a few obnoxious men who demanded I smile and behave as though I was enjoying myself. Even when I obeyed they often slapped me or used me roughly. Their lunging bodies or clumsy broken-nailed fingers tore and bruised me. The really nasty ones refused to pay the full price or demanded another session when I would be expected to make it up to them. I did not exist as myself. I was something addictive and pleasurable to be grabbed at but carefully watched. If I threatened to gain power I should be rooted out like a beautiful flowering weed that winds itself round and round the plant it chokes.